I was depleted - a shell of a human being. I numbed stress with alcohol. I was overweight and in a continual state of fight or flight. Something had to change. That's when I heard the still deep voice within whisper "365 days". If I wanted to change my life I knew in that moment I had to give up alcohol for a year. I had to change bad habits and find new ways to cope with stress. This blog is about my journey through my personal 365 day challenge.
Scroll down to Day 1 and start with me at the beginning. There are highs, lows and lots of lessons along the way. Take what you like and leave the rest. Each of us are on our own path. I know mine is much brighter when I prioritize my health and set boundaries. I often refer to this year as the best year of my life. It's the year I learned about my strength and resolve. It's the year I found myself and my voice. It's the year I finally found my frolic.
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This final post of my 365 day journey comes a month after I successfully completed my year long commitment to abstain from the numbing effects of alcohol. I remember exactly where I was sitting in my kitchen lamenting about how unhealthy and stressed out I felt the day before my 44th birthday. I distinctly heard that quite deep voice that I associate with God say "365 days - If you want to change your life you have to give up alcohol for 365 days."
Alcohol for me was not an addiction. It didn't inhibit my ability to function in society or perform at my job, but it did prevent me from living my best life. I was stuck in a bad habit that was hard to break without a very public commitment to myself, God and to you. The desire to be publicly accountable and step into vulnerability to share my challenges and victories kept me on task and steadfast in my commitment not to drink. I knew in a year I would experience many of the highs and lows life throws your way. I wanted to navigate it all being fully present instead of choosing the easy way out by taking the "edge off" with a martini or a glass of wine....or two. Here is what I learned, experienced and accomplished in my 365 Day journey:
I can honestly say that my 365 day journey gave me the best year of my life to date. I took the time to get to know myself and to find out what makes me happy. I did the work. Since then I've allowed alcohol back into my life to some degree. I recently enjoyed drinking way too much red wine one night at a girls weekend even though I felt like death the next day. I may have the occasional martini on a Friday night after a long week if I don't plan to run the next day. From time to time I think that's okay. What I don't want is to return to the bad habits of my past. My health and well-being must remain a priority. I need to make choices for my highest good every day. Sometimes that's really hard but I deserve it. I am worth it. THANK YOU for your loving support during my 365 day journey. You helped me stay on task. Your words of encouragement mean more than I can tell you. I am so grateful to be in this life surrounded by so many amazing people. Life is truly a gift. Make the most of it every single day. You are worth it too! I have 42 days to go on my 365 day journey! The number 42 has always been magical for me. I first started noticing it in middle school when I had to pick a jersey to wear on the soccer team. There it was hanging on the rack in bright yellow just whispering...."pick me, pick me". So, I did. I picked that number for basketball and softball too. I may not have been the best athlete, but I survived with the number 42 proudly plastered on my chest the entire time. It has been my favorite number ever since appearing quite often in license plates, street signs, movies, etc. When I see it my heart warms a little. I know I'm on the right path.
So here I am with 42 days to go on this 365 day journey of commitment to myself. In the last 323 days, I've grown and made big changes. I've invested in me, for real, for probably the first time in my life. As I'm sure you've noticed, this journey is about way more than just letting go of numbing with alcohol. It's a spiritual commitment that I will not break to myself or to God. I've been able to deepen my relationship with Him as a result. I listen more. When God places a word or a phrase in my heart I pay attention. He did just that on my trip to Mexico in February. For the second year in a row, I packed my bags and headed to the Yucatan with 17 other women for a week of soul level connection, yoga, relaxation and healing. On the first day we were asked to think of a word that would set our intention for the week. That's when I heard God's voice again and the word, "receive", came into my heart. Immediately, I thought, I can't say that word. It sounds so selfish! My inner critic told me to choose a better word. Nope! I shut that voice down and listened to the word placed into my heart and shared it with the group. It wasn't for them. It was for me. I was to learn about the gift of receiving. I think it's really hard for many people, women especially, to receive with grace and an open heart. We can give to others without a second thought, but we have trouble receiving. Think about the last time someone paid you a compliment. How did you respond? Did you start to degrade the act with your words or were you grateful in response? Let's say someone compliments your outfit. Do you immediately look down and start to share how it's old, or you bought it on sale, or it doesn't really fit that well? By doing that you are actually taking the act of giving away from the person who paid you the compliment. Instead try opening your heart with gratitude and say, "Thank you". Tell them how much you appreciate their kind words. You will both part happier as a result. I also see that creative, entrepreneurial people often have issues with receiving. They tend to under-value their talents or feel embarrassed by sharing their gifts. Money in exchange for a piece of art or a service is another form of giving. Honor the giver and yourself by receiving with grace and confidence in a job well done. Don't sell yourself short - literally. Again, you will both part happier. My personal lesson in receiving came with a wee bit of major surgery I had earlier this month. The surgery in and of itself was an act of letting go of things that no longer serve me (see Day 289 blog post). What came with that was an outpouring of support from family, friends and co-workers. I was absolutely overcome by the generosity so many showed with prayers, cards, flowers, balloons, yummy chocolate things, books, mugs, healing teas, sparkly dragonfly journals and pens, meditative coloring books, pencils and even cake. I resisted the urge to feel like it was too much, that I didn't deserve it, that I wasn't worthy. Instead I'm choosing to be so incredibly grateful for the people that surround me every single day. It's not about the stuff. It's about the connections we make. It's about showing up for yourself so you can be there for others. It's about living a life with an open heart full of gratitude every single day. It's about being all-in vs. coasting through life. You have one life to live. Live every single day like the gift that it is. It's called "the present" for a reason. Open your arms and your heart. Receive the gifts of abundance and connection that you deserve. You are worthy. Earlier this week I received some news I was waiting for. I knew a big event was coming soon but didn't know when. Not knowing meant an inability to plan or truly feel in control of my own destiny. That's not an easy position to be in for someone who is a self-described "control-freak". I am a planner. I like to make lists. I take notes. I practice. I prepare.
In the last 289 days I've learned a new skill. It is the art of letting go. I'll never forget the day that I was mindlessly scrolling through my feed and the image below stopped me in my tracks. "The armor that once served you is now holding you back." Whoa. Really?! I started to think about all the armor I carried. Armor for me came in the form of stories. I had a lot of stories I repeated to myself about how life was or "should be". The stories I was telling myself and repeating to others were indeed holding me back. They were creating limiting beliefs about how life was or could be. I had to stop the loop in my head that had been placed there to protect myself if I was ever going to be able to have a new story and a fulfilled life. Changing the story started with forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and others for the events and circumstances that created the stories. Some events were deep wounds from my past that I was still clutching to. If you want to really understand what I mean, think of a time when you were hurt or upset. What happens in your body? Do you feel tense? Do your muscles tighten? Does anxiety begin to rise up? Now envision the person who hurt you standing in front of you. Wrap them in a blanket of forgiveness, thank them for showing you a valuable lesson you needed to learn (even if you can't quite see what that is yet) and send them on their way. Now do the same for yourself because you also played a role even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget or change boundaries as a result. Forgiveness is for you. It is a way to release emotions pent up inside that are holding you back. Sit in that forgiveness for a moment and breathe. Now how do you feel? Are you relaxing? Are you letting go? If you don't feel anything immediately - practice. Eventually a deep sense of peace will come. As I've practiced forgiveness and letting go, I've found a deep sense of peace that leads to trust. While I didn't know when the upcoming event would happen I did trust that all would be revealed at the right time. Indeed it was. I received a call on Tuesday from my doctor's office asking me if I could come in for surgery the following Tuesday. I gladly said YES! My body just happens to make things it also doesn't need. As a result I have surgery about once a decade to remove these obstacles. Exactly ten years has passed since my last procedure, so on Tuesday I will be letting go of the things that no longer serve me. Perhaps the third time will be the charm or perhaps my new found emotional state will allow my body to move forward without the need to hold and protect. I'm looking at this surgery as an opportunity to truly release the armor that no longer serves me. This time I will be setting it down for good. There are exciting things ahead that I never would have dreamed possible earlier in this 365 day journey. My path is finally clear. I feel like I've found my purpose. I'm taking daily action to make my dreams come true. I no longer tell myself the old stories full of limiting beliefs. I know the only thing holding me back is me. I am choosing to set down the armor and step out into the light because the possibilities of what that life looks like are infinite and exciting even if they are scary too. I will not let fear stop me or hold me back. I'm ready. As I begin the process of readying my body for surgery I will start with forgiveness and gratitude. Going in with the right mental state is just as important as the right physical state. I am focused on the other side of the procedure - the healing part. Each day I will get stronger. I will be back out on the running trail soon enough. I have a half marathon scheduled in May. I'm not going to cancel that race and give up on the opportunity. Instead I'm going to continually visualize how good it will feel to run on the beach and have that beautiful finisher medal around my neck. I may adjust the distance if needed but I won't adjust the dream. Neither should you. Forgive. Let go. And go for it! As 2019 begins to unfold our heads dance with possibilities for the new year. This will be the year we lose the weight, find our partner, get the dream job, buy the boat, etc. In order to really achieve your goals you have to know your starting place which is why reflection is so important at this time of year. Here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Take a few quiet moments to assess where you are. Don't skip over the bad stuff. Think about what you learned in the hard times. One of the most important questions in this list is to think about what you want to STOP doing. We often focus on what we want to START doing. What we want to stop is just as important. A few things to ponder.
2018 for me was one of the best years of my life. It was full of personal transformation and growth. Making the decision to stop one very bad habit was life changing. Prior to the decision to give up the bad habit of numbing with alcohol and really be "all in" on life I was just coasting and complaining. I knew what I needed to do, but was never willing to do it. I wasn't ready. Instead I just complained about how unhealthy I felt, how tired I was, and how stressed I felt. At the beginning of 2018, I set the intention to focus on "freedom" as that word resonated with me at the start of the year. At the time I had no idea how true that word would become as a theme for 2018. By releasing one bad habit I unlocked my life and found freedom.
One thing is for sure, I would not be where I am without the love and support of my "tribe". I'm incredibly grateful to have so many supportive friends and family in my life. I've also done a lot of work to strengthen my relationship with God. My connection with Spirit set me on this 365 day journey and helped me discover and heal the limiting beliefs that were holding me back. I've been able to set down my armor because of my faith to walk without it. Everyone's journey to JOY is different, but am so glad I've found mine. Now onto 2019! I'm not going to lie, on January 1, 2019 I was filled with a bit of anxiety. I didn't want 2018 to end. Fear set it. I began to question and feel nervous that somehow I would lose what I gained in 2018. What if it was all taken away? That's when I fell back on what I've learned and settled into my new theme word for 2019 - serenity. I am at peace. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns, but that's life. I'm so grateful to have a tribe to see me through the hard times and cheer me on in the good times. Let me do the same for you. In 2019, I hope you FLY - First Love Yourself. I hope you keep your vessel full so that you can then pour for others. I hope you think of a few things you can stop doing, lots of things you want to keep doing and a few new things to start doing. I wish you adventures, and laughter, and love. I hope you find your tribe if you haven't already. Most importantly I hope you Find Your Frolic! Happy New Year! Death of a loved one, divorce, illness, moving, and job change are among the top most stressful life events. In these moments it's easy to slip back into old habits of comfort. The desire to numb almost becomes a need. There is a need for a break - a break from feeling, a break from the stress, a break from life. I can attest to this because I am in the throes of one such life event - job change.
This year has been full of significant change and for that I could not be more thankful. At the end of 2017 I was deeply unhappy. I wanted to change every aspect of my life - like fake my own death and start over kind of change. When that level of change is desired all arrows point back to you. Here is a hard lesson to learn: YOU are the only one responsible for your happiness. It's not your spouse, not your employer, not your friends and not your family. It's up to you to live your best life. There is no one else to blame but you if you aren't happy. I was waiting to be happy. I felt stuck. I was stuck in a pattern of dreaming for the future and not truly living in the present. I'll be happy when....NOPE. This is not how it works, my friends. You are only guaranteed today; it's called the present for a reason. Happiness begins with gratitude for all the gifts you have in life today, in this very moment. My life started to change when I began focusing on self-care. I signed up for a December self-care challenge that was free and offered by a life coach. I had done this in 2016 too, but had failed to commit then. I knew there were nuggets of goodness to be learned and leveraged, so in 2017 I decided to commit to the entire series because it felt like I needed it for survival. Here is another life lesson on commitment. It's easy to say "No, I'm too busy." Change that language to "No, it's not a priority" and see how that feels. Is taking care of myself really not a priority? At the time it certainly wasn't. That's a hard realization, but it's also very fixable. I made the important decision to say "yes" to me by committing to the challenge. I watched the videos every single day for 21 days. Things started to change as a result. I was reminded that I am in control of my emotions. I may not be able to change the circumstance, but I can control how I react to it. Tips were given on how to handle difficult relatives at holiday gatherings and to avoid glutenous behavior like eating and drinking everything in sight because "it's the holidays!". Self-care is about self-awareness and self-control. It's about listening and giving your body, mind and spirit what it truly needs rather than indulging in the moment because it feels good. I was also reminded that self-care isn't selfish. You can't pour from an empty vessel. You have to fill your cup first so that you can be your best self for others. Self-care is not only about massages and pedicures. That's part of it, but that's a surface-level, short term, feel-good measure. It's not what self-care is truly about. Self-care is doing the "work" - the work to find out who you are as a person. Self-care is being fully present in your own life. Self-care is about standing up and asking for what you need. Self-care is about doing the soul level listening to really determine what makes you happy. Self-care means you end the day feeling whole and not depleted. Self-care is about gratitude, real and true gratitude for everything you have in your life today, not what's to come but today. Self-care means you are living your best life. For me, that also means connecting deeply with God, Spirit, the Universe - whatever you call the divine energy that fuels life. Little did I know then that this journey of self-care would result in a 365 day commitment to sobriety, a total change in my health, and a major change in my career. Here is the cool part, when you take the important step to stop numbing and truly step into the life you were given you begin to discover how you were born to live. Then it becomes easier to recognize the opportunities to stay on your path to your best life when they arrive. There is a level of clarity that comes with soul level listening. I can tell in my physical body when I'm making good choices. I can literally feel it. I knew this opportunity for career growth could not be passed up because I feel light in my body when I think about it. It is as if my soul has wings and they are ready to fly. While this new chapter in my career is a beginning that I'm ready for, it also means that there are endings too. Endings can be hard. Looking at that list of stressful life events they all have a component of an end, end of a life, end of health, end of home, end of a job. You have a choice in how you deal with that. You can numb and stuff it down as I used to or you can choose to really step into it and feel it. Feeling it means processing it and moving on in a healthy way. While it was really tempting to drink the feelings away on Friday night after I turned in my keys, I didn't. I didn't because I made a public declaration of sobriety for 365 days. I didn't want to let you down. I made a commitment to God. After all, He's the one who told me to do it! And, I made a commitment to myself and my own self-care that I will not break. So here I am feeling the feels. The feeling that comes up the most is gratitude. Gratitude for the career growth I've had to date that prepared me for this next chapter. Gratitude for the people I've worked with who are more than friends, they are family. And, I'm grateful that I'm aware enough and strong enough to take the risk to walk through the door of opportunity. Who knows what's on the other side, but I'm proud of myself for being brave enough to find out by saying "yes" to me. I messed up this week. No, I didn't drink alcohol, but I did numb with food. The week was stressful for me. We had an in-person event over the course of four days at the office. Lots of people. Lots of change. Lots of traffic. Lots of noise. Lots of social time. While it was a lot of fun to deepen connections with some, build connections with others and learn new things, it was also a week full of triggers. I'm an introvert who prefers to work from the comfort and quiet of my home with my furbabies. Social events are not my thing. If given a choice between a happy hour with lots of people I don't know very well and robbing a bank, I'd be tempted to google cute outfits to wear on a heist!
In the past a social event meant I would bee line for the bar. I would literally want to jump out of my skin until I had a drink in my hand for some liquid courage. Small talk terrifies me. My brain freezes. I forget how to use words to connect with the person standing next to me. Alcohol used to loosen up my tongue or so I thought. This week I realized I was doing the very same thing with food. "Wow, this cheese is fantastic. Have you tried the chocolate cake? So good." Instead of making healthy choices in what I know to be a stressful environment for me I ate my way through it. "Yes, I'd love shaved ice. Chicken fingers and fries will make me feel better since I didn't sleep that well last night. Oh, and to be sure I sleep well tonight, I should have a spoonful of ice cream before bed....or maybe six." Friends, it was bad. I let go of everything I know to be true of what my body needs and instead I went for what would bring pleasure in the moment. I was numbing. Then the guilt set in. "What's wrong with you? How could you treat yourself that way? You need to go on a massive detox to cleanse. See, the scale is up THREE pounds! What did you expect would happen? It's going to take WEEKS to get that weight off because you can't control yourself. What's wrong with you?" Whoa. Isn't it odd how your own mind can be so horribly mean to you? Why is that? There isn't anyone harder on myself than I am. I beat myself up so much that instead of working out and making good choices I fell deeper into the downward spiral. I could have easily gone for a run on Friday night to get back on track, but instead I ordered take out and binge watched Ozark on Netflix. Sigh! This morning I woke up feeling depressed, but I dragged my butt out of bed and went for a run. On my run I realized I wasn't smiling and wasn't making eye contact with my fellow runners. This is something I normally love to do. It's like trading a secret high five with the other super heroes out on the trail. Yes, running makes me feel like a super hero. So, why was I giving it up for food and the couch? What I realized is that my feelings of guilt were turning into feelings of shame. Instead of feeling bad for the poor choices I made, I was starting to feel bad about myself. Instead of being proud that I was back out on the trail I was beating myself up for running slower. My head was stuck in the poor choices of the past week so much that I wasn't excited about my day ahead. I have a lot to be excited about. I could be excited about getting up early and folding that basket of laundry that has been sitting in the corner for a month. To-do list item checked off the list. Yes! I should be excited about fluffing up my guest room because my person is getting on a plane to spend time with ME this weekend. There is so much laughter and connection ahead. I have so much to be grateful for, so I'm giving myself a much needed boot in the pants to reset. I ran today. My person is coming. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm still a super hero. It's not how you fall that's important. What matters is what you do when you get back up. I share this in case you too are fighting the demons in your head turning guilt into shame. Stop it. That voice is wrong. You may have made some bad choices, but you are not a bad person. Learn from your mistakes and keep pushing forward. We've got this! When I was young I had this notion that I would live to be 108 years old. It was a proclamation I made with conviction. "I will live to be 108!" I had no idea where that number came from or why I felt this to be a statement of fact. Then as an adult I read Eat, Pray, Love and learned there is spiritual significance behind this number. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "the number 108 is held to be the most auspicious, a perfect three-digit multiple of three, its components adding up to 9, which is three threes. And 3, of course, is the number representing supreme balance..." I remember putting the book down and feeling a little out of breath after reading that. Later the book goes on to talk about 108 beads in the mala used in meditation and 108 vices. The spiritual significance behind this number caused me to want to write today because this journey is way more than just about giving up alcohol as you probably have seen by now. This is a spiritual journey into wholeness.
My journey began with a whisper from God, "365 days". I was desperate for change and put 100% of my faith in this simple phrase from the divine to change my life. I had to be consciously aware for 365 days. I had to put myself and my health first for 365 days. I had to deeply commit to me for an entire year. I was ready. Then, a few days later I had the wonderful opportunity attend a church service and share a deeply meaningful conversation over avocado toast and fresh brewed tea with the pastor and his wife. God brought us together in that moment to solidify my plan. The pastor shared with me that there are 365 references to fear in the Bible. Again, there I was out of breath. The best definition I have of spirituality is that God is love. One may think the opposite of love is hate, but in actuality the opposite of love is fear. In that moment it became clear this journey was about fighting fear. Fear of being seen. Fear of disappointing people for stepping out of my box. Fear of judgement. Fear of facing things about myself that had been buried for decades. Fear of having to meet the fear in others head on because I could no longer numb it away. Powerful stuff!! At day 108 I feel stronger in my faith than ever before. A clear mind allows me to connect with God on a level I haven't experienced before. We have actual conversations! I hear His guidance at critical moments most often experienced when I'm in a position to listen and hold space for others to heal. It's an amazing gift. Life is an amazing gift. Think of this, you were born with everything you need to be successful, happy and healthy already inside of you. The goal of this life is to learn how to do the spiritual listening to hear the answers and follow your path. This 365 day journey has allowed me to deepen my listening. Perhaps that was the purpose all along. It was a typical night 100 days ago. It was the day before my birthday. I had worked a full day plus some and decided to end the day with a martini as usual. Wine followed as it typically did. It was a habit and I was sick of it. I felt tired, bloated, depressed and unhealthy. I had lost some weight with mindful eating and minimal exercise. I was down 10 lbs, but the scale had stopped moving. It was stuck and so was I.
Then a voice came. It was that small deep, still voice I have come to know as God. It simply whispered "365 days". I knew in that moment that if I really and truly wanted to change my life that I had to stop drinking for 365 days. I had to make that level of commitment, not 30, not 60, not 90. It had to be long enough to really break the bad habits and form new ones. It had to be long enough to get to know who I really am and learn to love that person wholly and completely. So here I am on day 99. To say I have changed is an understatement. I am a different person. I have stepped into the life I was chosen to live. I have discovered passions I knew where there but never prioritized. Now, I am not afraid to claim them as my own.
Live music feeds the soul. It is a rare occurrence to leave a concert feeling anything but light and happy. Smiles abound on the faces of the concert goers. Strangers connect over their mutual love of the music/performer. It is a beautiful thing.
I have been a fan of Melissa Etheridge's music since I first heard the Brave and Crazy album when I was a teenager. When I was in college Yes I Am was released, and I was old enough to appreciate the lyrics full of love and heartbreak. Her music touched me deeply. One concert lead to another, and I've become a bit of a super fan over the years. This year I will see her at least five times before the season is out. Each and every time I leave feeling like my batteries are fully recharged. I'm ready to take that positive energy out in the world and make a difference. On Saturday I had the pleasure of watching Melissa perform at a beautiful outdoor venue in Maine. She was playing at a winery which apparently hosts an outdoor concert series on a regular basis. We arrived with plenty of time to find a place near the stage to park our chairs, explore the grounds and grab a bite to eat before the show started. I always enjoy looking at the merchandise because who doesn't love a little shopping too? I stood in line and waited patiently for my turn to select a t-shirt. Melissa usually offers standard sized t-shirts and ladies tees. I am pretty girly so I always go with the ladies cut. Amidst the collection was a cool purple shirt with my name written all over it. When I asked the clerk to show me a large she proceeded to tell me that there was no way it would fit me. I explained that I already owned a few of her shirts and am comfortable with that size. She disagreed vehemently and told me she could never fit in a XXL so there was certainly no way this shirt in any size was an option for me. I was a little shocked to say the least, but persisted in my quest to buy the t-shirt of my choice. She then told me that I "didn't understand" what she was saying and again expressed her opinion that there was "NO WAY" I could fit into this shirt. Others in line started to laugh. So there I am standing there red faced arguing with a clerk who has insulted my intelligence and my physical appearance in front of a crowd for full on public shaming. I was humiliated, but I stood my ground and asked her to sell me what I asked for. She shook her head, sighed and said she's just trying to prevent me from making a huge mistake because again there was NO WAY someone like me could wear this shirt. Needless to say this encounter knocked the wind out of my sails quite a bit. First, it's rare that am spoken to that way ever and certainly never by a stranger in a customer service/sales role - not smart. Second, this hit me particularly hard because I've been working very hard to make healthy choices - hello, no alcohol for 365 days! I've dropped a full dress size and am close to being within a dozen lbs. of my goal weight. I've been working really hard and just that morning started to feel real progress when I slipped on a pair of size 8 jeans and they fit! I certainly enjoyed the concert. Melissa was amazing as usual, but this lady's insensitive and inappropriate comments stuck with me. I woke up the next day thinking about it and felt totally deflated. Then, I realized I was giving her my power. She had taken away my success. She had made me doubt myself. I was stewing over her words while she, I'm sure, never gave me a second thought. Words matter. She could have simply said the shirts run small, which they do, and advised that I size up or make a different choice. That's all that was needed. It's not uncommon for someone or something to try and knock you off course when you are just starting to make good progress. It's important to stay grounded and connected in with your purpose. Keep your resolve and stay on your path. Don't give away your power, your success, your happiness to anyone else. You choose. Be you with pride and courage. This encounter was also a nice reminder of how thankful I am to be me and to be surrounded by people who love and respect me every day. I have a tribe that cheers me on and builds me up, and for that I'm truly grateful. Melissa's mantra rings true in my mind: Be Strong, Speak True, Choose Only Love. You never know what someone else is dealing with in their lives. Assume positive intent. Choose your words carefully. Be kind. Always. As for the shirt, it fits just fine as I knew it would. :-) My laugh is more genuine. I've caught myself with my head tilted back letting out a big throaty laugh on more than one occasion. That's certainly not to say that I didn't laugh before the start of the 365 day journey without alcohol, I certainly did. There is just something more genuine and authentic to this laughter. It's different. It's deeper. It's more representative of who I am as a person.
After 19 days of clean living I'm feeling more grounded in my personality. I'm feeling the highs and lows a little stronger, a little deeper. The difference is that now I'm actually letting myself fully feel the emotion rather than numb. Frustration, anger, fear, happiness, joy, love - its all there and I'm 100% in it. It feels good to be authentically me. It also feels good to have celebrated a wedding without indulging. The bartender made me a delightful mocktail during happy hour. I didn't miss the wine at dinner; however, the champagne toast was a bit boring with water. In hindsight I should have grabbed my champagne glass and filled it with ginger ale prior to the toast. I missed the toast with the pretty glass. You know how much I enjoy the glass. It's more important than what is inside. Toasting with a water glass just isn't the same. Lesson learned. Day 19 fell on a Monday. Normally Mondays are a challenge for me. The start of the workweek and the long list of to-do's all add up to the desire to release the stress with the sound of the martini shaker. Today, on this Monday, I will step into my jogging shoes and hit the trail instead. The sun is shining and so am I. It's day 6 of my 365 day journey of sobriety. I am choosing to live clean and clear from birthday to birthday in order to give my body and mind a reset. It was time for a little control+alt+delete to find the right balance between work and actually living life.
Today, on day 6, I am starting to feel the positive benefits. I woke up this morning before my alarm feeling rested. For those of you that know me, you know this is a big deal. I've struggled with sleep for a few years as my stress level has steadily increased. Then, I tossed on an old pair of jeans that were...um...snug...the last time I wore them. Today, on day 6, they were comfortable and dare I say a little loose. Physically things are definitely trending in the right direction! Mentally I've had a few ah-ha moments in the last few days. I've learned that one of the things I like most about drinking is what I call the "ritual of the glass". The evening would usually start with a discussion about what would go in said glass. Did we feel like a martini or maybe just a glass of wine? Then, what glass should we choose? I like long stems on my glasses so that usually factored into the selection process. I also really like the sound of the martini shaker, the slicing of the garnishes and the splash as the liquid hits the beautiful glass I picked out for the occasion. I actually like this part as much as I like drinking what is actually in the glass! This became clear on my birthday when I met my husband at the restaurant bar where he was taking me for a fancy-pants birthday dinner. I ordered a delightful mocktail that was just as pleasing as something alcoholic. I enjoyed sitting at the bar, talking to my husband, and sipping my non-alcoholic drink in a pretty glass while we waited for our table just as much. I actually didn't miss the alcohol one bit. Then, on day 2, I drove 10 hours to my little hideaway in the woods called Serenity Ridge. The drive was terrible - wind, rain, fog, trucks, construction, you name it. I was exhausted when I arrived. My mother met me at the door with a wine glass full of sparkling water with fresh mint, lime and sliced cucumbers. It tasted heavenly after such a long day, but it was her support and thoughtfulness that made the mocktail taste so much sweeter. So today, on day 6, after my work is finished for the day, the animals are fed and happy, and everyone is safe and sound, I find myself alone in the woods spending time reflecting and writing which refuels my soul. Normally I would have immediately poured a glass or wine which would have turned into two or three in order to "relax". Instead on day 6, I took a walk down my beautiful country road and came upon a majestic doe with the tiniest fawn I've ever seen. It was absolutely magical and would have passed me by if I hadn't decided to choose me and this journey just a few short days ago. I know I will have hard days, but so far I'm thankful for this journey that is helping to restore my health and open up the doors to joys I would have otherwise missed. It will be exciting to see what this year brings! I will leave you with this image from the sunrise at Serenity Ridge. I hope you can feel the same peace I do when I see the sunlight dance through the trees. It's like a greeting directly from God. This day is a special day for me. Today, May 17th, is my birthday. I am 44 years old. Today I am doing something very important by taking a pledge of sobriety for the next 365 days - birthday to birthday. Today I choose me. Alcohol and I have been in a dance for a long time. Its purpose is to numb. Numb boredom. Numb pain. Numb stress. Numb depression. It also numbs joy and happiness. It saps energy and is the source of poor sleep, bad eating habits and poor decision making. Today I take back my power. Today I choose me. Today I make a choice to live the next 365 days completely clean and clear. I will feel the emotions. I will have bad days. I will have good days and causes for celebration. The challenge will be navigating life without uncorking the bottle. Today, on my birthday, I woke up after another restless night feeling exhausted. The scale told me I'm 20 lbs overweight. I have an appointment coming up with a heart specialist because things just aren't right. It's time for change. Today I also woke up surrounded by friends and family who are completely supportive of this journey. Today I decided its okay not to be perfect. Vulnerability is hard but the rewards are great. I'm so incredibly thankful to have a tribe of women who I can rely on over the next 365 days. Each of them have pledged to walk this journey with me for a period of time, in shifts, so that I don't have to walk alone. I'm touched and blessed beyond words. This blog will document my 365 day journey - the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm excited and a little scared all at the same time. But most of all I'm grateful as hell for this life and want to live it as long as I possibly can. So grab a pretty glass and some fancy sparkly non-alcoholic something or other and join me for what could be the journey of a lifetime! |
AuthorBarbara Doane lives in Virginia with her husband and rescue animals. Barbara enjoys spending time in spiritual retreat on her property in Indiana, and can often be found frolicking in Key West, Florida. It is in nature where Barbara finds peace, becomes centered, and refills her vessel so she can conduct her sacred service to the world. |